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growing pains

by Shai-Li

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1.
fuck you, sun 05:13
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Maybe I'd feel better on a stormy day Possibly a difference in the dark and gray 'Cuz it's nice out and I feel like shit Yeah the sun's up, but nothing's even changed a bit So I wait around for another way For another way For another way Have I wasted so much time asking "what ifs" and "whys", Then who am I to ask the questions? If not me, then how can anything come around Before reality has been cemented? Will we ever know? Can it stand to leave me alone? I don't feel like home anymore When is enough, where is the line on the floor? Maybe I'd feel safer if I crawled in bed Comfort under covers tricks my body best No, it's not my fault that I feel like this Yeah my head's up, but the thread is wearing awfully thin So I bid my time 'til another way 'Til another way 'Til another way Have I wasted so much time asking "what ifs" and "whys", Then who am I to ask the questions? If not me, then how can anything come around Before reality has been cemented? Will we ever know? Can it stand to leave me alone? I don't feel like home anymore When is enough, where is the line on the floor? What is too tough, maybe all I've endured I don't feel like home anymore When is enough, where is the line on the floor? What is too tough, maybe all I've endured I don't feel like home Like home Like home
2.
waiting 03:24
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Stayed up all night Watched the sky turn to blue And I Felt like nothing new was coming Behind closed eyes Tried to pick out a scene, But I Felt like nothing good was running Am I here waiting on change that will never come? Looking into eyes that won't look up? I'm hiding from rays so I don't get burned, Viewing your lives from inside a window And if it's on its way, tell me how i'll know It never bears a face that I've met before I'm growing impatient I feel like I've waited all my past lives Slept through the day Sorry I missed the sun, But hey, Was busy vivid dreaming I was a snake Shed my skin, Finally gained the strength But I woke up without healing Am I here waiting on change that will never come? Looking into eyes that won't look up? I'm hiding from rays so I don't get burned, Viewing your lives from inside a window And if it's on its way, tell me how i'll know It never bears a face that I've met before I'm growing impatient I feel like I've waited all my Am I searching for rain in a cloudless sky? Wandering the desert, hoping for the tide? I pray to somebody, a moment of life Is it a sign, is it only wind blowing? If it's on its way, tell me how I'll know All things move just the same as before I'm growing impatient I feel like I've waited Oh, I'm growing impatient I feel like I've waited all my past lives
3.
good luck 05:39
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Hand full of splinters Banging on your door without answers And it still hurts and Mouth full of vinegar You didn't see me when you could see me And I'm bitter And I'm bitter How, how hard could it be? To admit to yourself that you hurt somebody And what? What more could you need? I have wasted my breath on someone who won't speak so Good luck From now on I am not convenient I'm done Holding on to non-existence Good luck Good luck Mouth full of beetles Shallower breathing, self-deceiving leaves you Unsettled Eye full of needles Try to replace me, hope to forget me But that's not possible How, how hard could it be? To say it out loud that you did me dirty And what? What more could you need? I have wasted my time on the ghost of defeat Good luck From now on I am not convenient I'm done Holding on to non-existence Good luck Good luck How many hours? How many days? I would count myself sick if I tried to replay Every moment you missed, what I would've said to you How many outcries? How many calls You let go silent, and suddenly I'm gone Every moment you missed, pushing me out to blue How, how hard could it be? To admit to yourself that you hurt somebody And what? What more could you need? I have wasted my breath on someone who won't speak so Good luck From now on I am not convenient I'm done Holding on to non-existence Good luck Good luck Good luck Good luck
4.
color 05:41
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I got some good news today The first I've heard since January Since I awoke alive and okay In a bed by loving faces Talked to an old friend last night Needed help from someone trusted Stayed up 'til it felt alright Hung up smiling in different places And outside my window's a monochromatic sky But I don't mind Because I have Accepted that here is where I need to be And so I fill My bedroom walls with color Today I tried something new Let go of all expectation Heard myself inside our tune Oh, you had me let go of perfection I started seeing morning again We have lovely conversation Even when there's nothing to say Somehow I know we're always changing And outside my window's a monochromatic sky But I don't mind Because I have Accepted that here is where I need to be And so I fill My bedroom walls with color I'm tryna to learn I'm tryna be Comfortable in my own company I'm tryna see Trying to observe All the little things And outside my window's a monochromatic sky But I don't mind Because I have Accepted that here is where I need to be And so I fill My bedroom walls And so I fill My bedroom walls with color
5.
brain soup 05:52
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I'm not used to talking on the phone I've avoided everybody's calls Solitary got too comfortable Almost forgotten it all, the feeling I'm not used to having you around So much time has passed, but it feels like nothing And I see you as I did a child All this time, I've longed for it all The feeling of knowing That there's no question where I stand While we happily dive in the deep end of Meaning, of floating Back in pool where we've always swam Yeah, the water is always better with a friend Yeah, the water is always better with a friend You're not used to having someone there Who has shared a life and knows your fears Waiting on change isn't comfortable, But it feels good to speak on it all, like we used to You're not used to spending time alone And you say your head is full of brain soup Well, I know we've done this dance before All the while, I've longed for it all The feeling of knowing That there's no question where I stand While we happily dive in the deep end of Meaning, of floating Back in pool where we've always swam Yeah, the water is always better with a friend Yeah, the water is always better with a friend The feeling of knowing That there's no question where I stand While we happily dive in the deep end of Meaning, of floating Back in pool where we've always swam Yeah, the water is always better with a friend Yeah, the water is always better with a friend Yeah, the water is always better
6.
jealousy 03:36
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There's a flickering Starting at the fingers And it sparks the tips When inching myself closer But I look away 'Cuz I won't feel if I don't have to A smiling face, yeah Will show there's nothing here that's hurting To show there's nothing There's a tiny flame Licking at the elbows And a lighter strikes With your hand on someone else's So I look away 'Cuz I won't feel if I don't have to A smiling face, yeah To prove I'm nothing but indifferent To prove I'm nothing And there's a raging fire Screaming at the rib cage Gasoline when you Only celebrate her birthday So I must away 'Cuz I won't feel if I don't have to A smiling face, yeah To prove that I'm not really jealous To show that I'm not

about

This project is a very personal act of movement through a challenging time of chronic illness, mental illness, and sticky feelings. It's a love letter to my past, present, and future self. May we all give ourselves permission to feel things to the fullest extent, be embodied through the process, and be fully allowed to express how difficult that process is.

credits

released April 3, 2024

Written by Shai-Li.
Vocals by Shai-Li.
Drums by Daniel Gayden.
Bass by Troy Robinson III.
Keys and Synth by Grayson Nye.
Guitar by Nick Moored.

Engineered by Jay Ortega, Dustin Kellerman, Gabe Hill, and Shai-Li.
Mixed by Shai-Li.
Mastered by SP Mixing and Mastering.

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Shai-Li Kalamazoo, Michigan

25-year-old singer-songwriter, performer, producer, and artist based out of kalamazoo, mi.
business inquiries:
shai.liofficialmusic@gmail.com ❁

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